Shock and Awe – Part 2

Yesterday I left off Part 1 with me frantically waiting for a call for my cancer surgery.  My surgery involved a complete hysterectomy.  Mom was alone in the nursing home with no visitors allowed due  to Covid 19. And I was at home desperately trying to figure out this “new normal” of isolation and social distancing.

One night around 9 am,  I got a call, a robo call from Mom’s nursing home.  It was to advise us that a health care worker had tested positive on the floor above Mom.  I was beside myself with worry.  Your worst nightmare is suddenly staring you in the face (shock).  I decided not to tell Mom lest it just get her too upset since she kept telling me that she was worried the virus would come to the nursing home.  14 days to wait to see if it spread.  14 days of dread.

While I waited at home, unable to see Mom I almost felt like I was in mourning.  I was mourning the loss of my love of being with my Mom ( we had not been separated more than a week in  over 10 years.),  I was mourning the loss of working at the library and all that was enjoyable for me there – my colleagues, the books, the patrons and yes – the money.  At first we were paid but then I as a page was laid off (shock).  Fortunately I was able to apply for government money allotted during this pandemic. ( ultimate awe)  I was mourning not being able to do the normal things I did every week like my tutoring and teaching my piano lesson.  I was mourning not seeing my friends.  I was mourning the fact that along with so many other establishments my church was closed.  I was mourning the loss of my life as I knew it.  And the scary thing was that I had no idea how long this would go on.  There were no constants anymore.  Things changed daily.  With my autism,  this was very difficult to comprehend and make sense of all the changes.  I felt lost and disoriented.  And dealing with a diagnosis of cancer did not help matters at  all.  Or the fact that Mom was in the middle of a Covid 19 outbreak.

But life must go on.  You make do with what you are dealt.  One thing that was especially comforting during this time was  a call from my surgeon who knowing it could be quite a while before i got my surgery decided to put me on a cancer medication that would help slow the spread and perhaps even reduce the cancer.  I jumped at the chance to take it even though I had to pay 155.00 out of pocket. ( it was normally a 700.00 drug but my insurance paid most of it ) ( great awe)  There were side effects but I didn’t care as long as something was being done to stop the cancer.

I was on the cancer medication 17 days.  THEN A MIRACLE HAPPENED.  Friday, April 3 I got a phone call – the most amazing phone call ever!! (extreme awe)  They were scheduling my surgery for the next Tuesday!!!!   Our city had not had a lot of Covid 19 cases so the hospitals were trying to fit in some elective surgeries that were more dire.  I had been told I would be at the top of the list.  I was so excited!!

Oh and more awe – Mom’s nursing home was given the all clear.  No new cases had appeared.  I could relax about Mom.

The surgery went as planned and because I have no other adults in my house and it was a pandemic so no one would come and stay with me I stayed overnight in the hospital.  I had a quiet room and a wonderful nurse and I was home by 10:30 the next morning. ( ultimate awe)  It was a bit scary being at home by myself when I had just had surgery.  I had planned well before the surgery so that I would have all I needed in groceries, cat food etc to keep me going for awhile.  I was thankful for the planning I had done ( great awe)  I was in a bit of good shock.  I couldn’t believe it was actually all over.  And now I just had to heal.  I had told Mom about the surgery with out telling her it was cancer and she kept in touch with me by phone.  It was so nice to hear her voice during this time that I felt alone.  I had good friends who ran errands for me, drove me and just checked up on me.

It was actually the perfect time to have the surgery because I wasn’t missing work or having to do anything major.  I didn’t even have to do the 4 hours each day I did to see Mom.  I could just rest.  This pandemic was working to my advantage right now.

About a week later,  I woke one morning with a feeling of dread.  Something just didn’t feel right.  When I talked to Mom she said all the staff were in gowns.  I didn’t say anything to Mom but I knew what that meant.  Sure enough, an hour or so later I got a phone call from the nursing home.  A resident on Mom’s floor had tested positive for Covid 19.  (frantic shock)  When I called Mom later she said her bathroom that she shares with the resident in the next room was off limits and she had to use a commode.  Then I really panicked.  I knew this meant that the resident with Covid 19 was right next to Mom.  I was in major shock.  How could this happen.  This only happened in nightmares.  Not only was Covid 19 in Mom’s nursing home it was almost bedfellows with Mom. You couldn’t get any closer to it if you tried.  I was a mess.  I was crying.  I was praying constantly.  I was afraid Mom would be terribly upset.  To my total surprise Mom was very nonchalant about the whole thing.  She said, ” I only die once”.  And she liked the fact that she didn’t have to go down to the dining room for her breakfast and lunch.  Well this was a strange turn of events ( ultimate awe)  I didn’t have to worry about how Mom was doing with all this.

So began a scary time of waiting to see if anyone else became positive.  A few days later I got another robo call from the nursing home.  The resident was now at the hospital and had tested negative twice!  They were doing more testing but it was possible this person did not have Covid 19,  (great awe)   Indeed a couple of days later Mom’s nursing home got the ALL CLEAR.  The resident had had a false positive.  ( ultimate awe)

So this just about brings us up to the present.  One more shock to report.  My surgeon phoned with the results of the pathology report.  I was cancer free at the moment YAY!!  ( extreme awe)  BUT  some of the results indicated it would be best if I had some radiation treatments ( shock).  Tomorrow I go to the cancer centre for a consultation.  I am thankful for the fact that I am cancer free and I am also thankful that the radiation will just increase my chances that the cancer won’t come back.

So that leaves me with still  not being able to see my Mom – probably not for a few more months.  Nursing homes are going to be the last places to open up again I suspect.  I have no idea when I will return to work at the library.  I am still struggling with trying to add structure into my day so I do not get depressed.   But hey,  spring is here.  All kinds of flowers are coming up in my garden and I don’t need to social distance from my flowers.  My cancer is gone.  Mom is safe at the moment and staying as healthy as she can under the circumstances.  We can still talk on the phone.  I am going to learn how to do Zoom so I can go to my virtual church service and join a caregiver’s group here in town.  This afternoon a dear friend came by and we sat outside social distancing and drinking tea.  It was the highlight of my whole week.  What we so took for granted just a few months ago now becomes priceless treasure in our eyes and in our lives.

I suspect shock and awe are going to continue in my life for a long time yet.  The world is just too mixed up and nothing is normal.  I can handle the shocks as long as there are the awes.  And as long as there is God there will always be awe and lots of it.  Stay strong and carry on.

Shock and Awe Part 1

I have not written a blog in quite a while.  I apologize but can only say that the last 2 months have been filled to the brim with so many incidents that I have been overwhelmed.  I can only charactize my life in these 2 months as full  of shock and awe.  The little girls face in this picture can either be showing extreme shock or a sense of awe and that is what this blog will be about.  A rollercoaster of events and emotions that even those with the strongest of stomachs may walk away with a tinge of green in their faces.

We don’t necessarily put emotions of shock and awe together in the same framework.  But that is exactly what the last 2 months have been like.  Shock – then awe, then shock – then awe and on it has gone like a crazy runaway roller coaster looking totally out of control but in reality it was all part of the ride.  That’s because God has been busy the last two months riding along with me and helping to turn the overwhelming shocks into amazing works of awe.  He’s been my amazing shock absorber.

So it all started about two months ago.  Life was pretty normal.  I was going to work, seeing my elderly mother pretty near every day, loving up my  cats and so on.  One morning I discovered blood when I went to the bathroom.  I was not too concerned although I knew that at age 60 this was not normal.  It did not stop so that night I went to Emergency.  I had a wonderful doctor ( part of the awe in the middle of the shock)  who very gently talked to me about how relieved they were that I had come down to Emerg. so fast.  There was talk of cancer (shock) and things started moving fast.  The doctor was setting me up with an ultrasound right away.  She was getting me a gynecologist appointment and told me to see my own doctor right away.  I was definitely in shock and some of my first thoughts as a caregiver were what do I tell Mom.  Do I even tell her?  What happens if I am too sick to come see her and look after all that I look after for her?  As a caregiver these are always questions that are on the tip of your thoughts.  As caregiver whatever happens to you also affects the one you look after.  You are connected in everything in a profound way.  I had decided I could not tell Mom after getting advice from her nurse and others in my life.  As the days went by I struggled with the thoughts of having cancer mostly by myself.  I did tell my church family to help me be covered in prayer.  I talked to my psychiatrist who gave me worst case scenarios to help my fears diminish.  I had a very very painful biopsy (shock) and then waited in dread for the results.  All through this time Mom knew nothing.  It felt like I was hiding something from her.  We tell each other everything but I knew this news would just put her in a tailspin of despair and no matter how much I wanted to confide in my beloved Mom I couldn’t do it to her.

During this time as I manouvered through doctor’s tests and visits I had a strange phenomena happen that I still can’t explain except to say it was the protection of God on my life in a lonely time.   I could see a wall of glass in front of me all the time and on the other side of the glass was all my worry, fear, anxiety, dread etc.  It would all peer at me through the glass barrier but it could not touch me.  I was literally separated from all fear, worry etc in my life.  It was a strange experience I have never experienced before but one of amazing awe.

I also forgot to mention that during this time I was quite sick with a virus that wouldn’t go away and ended at Emerg and put on antibiotics.  This virus persisted for weeks but finally was helped with asthma medication that I didn’t know I needed. (awe)

So while all this was happening, something sinister was happening in the background which reared it ugly head and faced us head on – Coronavirus!  I knew things were starting to shut down where I live but was unable to understand the gravity of this virus (shock) or the impact it would have on my life.  It was March 14 and my brother and family were coming down from out of town to see my Mom.  They got here at 2pm.  The nursing home shut up tighter than a drum at 12 noon.  Suddenly the idea that I could not see my Mom and I did not know how long this could go on put me into severe shock.  I cried and cried,  I was depressed,  I was lost.  Seeing Mom was a big part of my daily life.  Suddenly there was a big hole and something even more dire was the loss of control in my life.  Being autistic, control is a big thing.  We like to be able to know we can control large parts of our life and suddenly a large part of my life was out of my control. ( severe shock)  I couldn’t check on Mom,  I couldn’t make sure she had everything she needed,  I couldn’t bring her the cookies she loved,  I was completely separated from Mom.  All we had was the phone to still talk to each other but even that is fragile when Mom can’t hear well.  Today is April 26.  I have not seen my mom in weeks and weeks.  She even had to celebrate her 92nd birthday by herself.

Later that week that the nursing home shut down,  I found out the results of the biopsy and I did have cancer – cancer of the  uterus (ultimate shock).  The only good thing was that we had caught it early and it had not spread outside of the uterus from what they could tell. (ultimate awe) I was overjoyed that the cancer was contained and that it could be treated with surgery.  I was scheduled for surgery later that week.  The day before my surgery I got a call from the hospital.  They regretted to tell me that all elective surgeries had been cancelled due to Covid 19 and I would have to wait goodness how long to be rescheduled. ( extreme shock)  I was terrified.  I had this cancer in me that could be spreading as we spoke and I could do nothing about it.  How long would I have to wait.  Was it going to be too late.  Would I become terminal?  I was a mess but God was still providing me with that wall of glass with all my terror on the other side so I could just rest in Him and trust him to provide what I needed.

I had many people praying for me (wonderful awe) and I felt wrapped in love from my church family and friends.  During this time of waiting for surgery I also had to get used to self-isolating in my home and social distancing.  I was not working at the library anymore as it was closed too.  All the stores were  closed except for grocery stores and  pharmacies.  I have no family at home with me except my two cats.  It was strange to not go out with a friend to Tim Horton’s or go out to my friend’s farm.  Being in the house all day was not the best thing for a person who thrives on routine and consistency.  I was lost at times and struggled to structure my life. (shock)  One thing that brought much joy to my life was being with my two cats all the time.  ( great awe)  And they loved it as much as I did.

So this is where I leave this blog tonight.  I am waiting desperately for my cancer surgery and I am struggling with being totally separated from my beloved Mom and struggling to manage living in this new world of Covid 19.  Tomorrow night I will do PART 2 of Shock and Awe continuing the story of my last two months of being on a crazy roller coaster ride.  Stay tuned.