In a Twinkling…

A couple of days ago I went to one of my favourite places to shop – Value Village.  For anyone who is not familiar with this store it is a second hand store selling everything under the sun.  It is a mecca for treasure hunters and a big part of the fun of going is in the hunt itself.  To find that elusive item that you just never thought you would ever find, or that unique item that winks at you and begs you to take it home with you.  Well, I was looking at the jewelry when I spotted a silver bracelet.  I love silver jewelry and as I looked closer at it through the glass counter I saw the words ” Kate Spade New York”.  I love Kate Spade things but I can’t afford them so I just drool when I look at items in a store.  Here was my chance to have a real Kate Spade item and for the super price of 7.99 ( and I had a 30% off coupon).  Can’t get any better than that.  When I got it home and took a closer look, I realized it had a saying inside the rim.  It said “in a twinkling”.  How interesting I thought considering what I have been going through.

All my anxiety, grief, worry, heartache that I am experiencing daily these days is all wrapped up in that little saying,  “in a twinkling”.  When Mom takes her last breath on this earth, in a twinkling she will be whisked off to Heaven and in that same twinkling, my life here on earth will change forever.  It’s hard to believe that a mere moment in time can change everything!

I wonder every day what it will be like without Mom.  I also wonder how I will handle Mom passing.  Will I fall apart?  Will I act as if nothing happened and just stuff everything inside and move forward with my life?  Will it be a bit of both?  Will I react right away or will it be days, weeks, months later?  I’ve read some research on autism and grief that states that we often have a delayed reaction to our grief.  Will that be me?

A number of years ago, I had a very special childhood friend who I called my Aunt Agnes.  She was not my real aunt but a distant relative just the same.  I loved her to bits and loved to visit her.  When she died I was living hundreds of miles away and I invented an elaborate scenario in my mind of how she was not dead.  I believed this with all my heart for several years till I ended up in the hospital for depression and suddenly and unexpectantly it all spilled out.  I cried for days and days.  Am I going to do something like this with Mom?

I also have a habit of closing myself off when I am upset.  I don’t answer the phone, I lock the front door and basically retreat into my own world.  This is my greatest fear of what might happen when Mom dies.  I told my Doctor the other day to please, please not let me do this if it happens.  She said that for me it may be alright for it to happen for a little while but she would be there to help me reconnect with the world if I couldn’t.  It scares me.

I also worry if I will be able to do all the things that need to be done for the funeral etc.  When my Dad died my Mom was there to help me but I won’t have her this time round.  I am determined to speak at her funeral just like I spoke at Dad’s.  Will I be able to get something together to say?  Something that is honouring and loving and will bring a sense of legacy and meaning to Mom’s life?

How can a moment in time be so scary?  That “in a twinkling” is the stuff of nightmares for me.  But I guess I have to think that for Mom that “in a twinkling” will be the stuff her happiest dreams.  “In a twinkling”, she will no longer be in a body that does not do what she wants it to do, she will be free to walk without weaving and stumbling from the effects of the stroke.  She will have no more headaches and she will have her “new” head she always tells me she wants.  She won’t be an “old lady” that she despises being so much.  Best of all, she will be again with Dad and all the other members of her family that loved the Lord.

But “in a twinkling” I will be left alone here on this earth.  And I dread that moment with every part of me.

So back to the bracelet…  I am wearing it.  I am going to continue to wear it.  It is a daily reminder of what is to come but it is also a daily reminder of another “in a twinkling”.  One later, sometime down the road when I too, will in a twinkling, go to be with Jesus and I will see Mom and Dad once again.  This bracelet can be a symbol of hope if I choose it to be.  It’s all how you look at it.  Momentary pain for eternal gain.  And what I do after that “in a twinkling” that whisks Mom away from me will determine what the time between those 2 twinklings is going to be like.  I want to continue to live my life to the fullest.  I want to try new things.  I want Mom to be proud of me in how I handled myself.  I want God to be glorified in my life that I have left.  I want to help people.  This girl has plans…..lots of plans….. that will be for another blog!

I Give Myself Permission…

I am what you might call a driven person.  I have to be doing something, I have to be achieving something,  I have to see progress, I have to see results.  I am a person who lives with lists of to do items.  My world is formless, and empty unless I make a list every morning.  Then my day has substance and boundaries around it that I can see and understand.  I don’t always have to cross everything off the list – I just have to have the list.  But…. I am driven to get as much off the list as I can.

I feel like I can’t waste a moment of time.  Watching TV ( I mostly watch the news) has to be watched while doing something like flipping through a magazine, or updating my budget, or writing another list.  I love reading but I have a terrible time reading fiction.  I can’t allow myself the luxury of just reading for the joy of it.  I mostly read non-fiction where I will learn something.  Then I feel I am being productive.  I am working on this.

I worked in the school system for 33 years as an Educational assistant with special needs kids.  I worked all day, then often did things in the evenings, on weekends and holidays.  I go overboard with almost everything.  I love it this way,  I feel productive, worthwhile and accomplished.  When I retired 2 years ago, the first year was hell.  Not having the routine of going to work every day was so disruptive for me and foreign to my way of life for so long.  I had lost a big part of myself.  My saving grace was getting a job at the public library and at a Teacher’s Resource Centre.  I also  took over the library at my church.  These things kept me busy and feeling like I was still productive.  I also delved into doing projects around the house.  Anything to keep me going.

Of course, looking after my Mom was a huge part of my daily routine.  As she started failing more and more,  my stress level went higher and higher.  The physical duties of looking after her were not as overwhelming as the emotional stress of dealing with the fact she was failing and could leave me at any time.  I got more and more exhausted.  I tried to ignore the exhaustion and keep up a rigorous schedule.  I became more and more anxious and depressed and the exhaustion deepened.  I fought back with just upping the ante.  More jobs to do, more tasks to carry out.  Stay up late, get up early.

About a month ago,  I had an issue where I spiraled downward emotionally.  I withdrew from everyone, locked the front door, closed the curtains and did not answer the phone.  I basically curled up in my rocker-recliner with a blanket over me and hid from the world.  This went on for over a week when I finally surfaced and felt I might just be able to face the world again.  The curious thing though that happened was that even though I was back being with people and engaging in the world around me again I still found myself curled up in my easy chair a lot of the time.  When I wasn’t directly involved in looking after Mom or having to go out to work or run errands, I would retreat to my chair with a cup of tea and just rest.  At first I thought I was maybe getting depressed and I was worried but then I realized that I was actually feeling better.  I wasn’t zooming around at top speed and I didn’t seem to be distraught about it.  I was seeking out my chair more and more and relishing the time spent doing nothing.  This was so foreign to me but a relief somehow.

I know that I am totally exhausted both physically and emotionally.  I know I am in a critical state of overload.   I know that if I am to continue to care for Mom something drastic has to happen or else I will not make it.  Yesterday while talking to a friend about my resting so much in my chair I blurted out words I never thought I would hear myself saying.  I said to my friend, ” I am giving myself permission to do nothing!”  I think I shocked myself as much as I shocked her.  I have never voluntarily given myself permission to do nothing without dealing with the fallout of anxiety and self- hatred.  But when you are at the end of your rope,  your world view can change drastically in order to survive.  And for me to survive looking after Mom, I need to do a lot of NOTHING.  It’s very freeing to give yourself permission to do something even if that something is nothing!

I feel a bit like an earthquake just hit my world view.  Things are shaken up for sure.  This is new territory for me and certainly not completely comfortable yet.  But I want desperately to be able to continue to look after Mom in a healthy way  so as the dust settles, I am going to continue to settle into my easy chair or my hammock chair, sip on a cup of tea, maybe flip through a magazine or enjoy one of my cats on my lap and I am just going to rest.  And maybe, just maybe I can get through this time in my life without disintegrating or collapsing.

I challenge you to say those words, ” I give myself permission…..” and fill in the blank with something in your own life.  It will be a challenge but I believe it will be a positive experience for you, a ticket to move ahead in your life and leave negative patterns behind.  What could be better than that?

I look at my cats and see how they live without a care ( except when their next meal is coming and are they going to get their treats today?)  I want some of that serenity and bliss I see as they snooze in a patch of afternoon sunlight.  I want that ability to give myself completely over to relaxation and rest.  I wanna be a cat, but since I’m not – I will take a lesson from them and do my best to find a way to enter into a rest that will keep me going on this difficult and exhausting  journey with Mom.

That Which I Have Feared the Most

A quote by Joss Whedon says, “Loneliness is about the scariest thing out there.”  Concerning my Mom, I don’t fear her dying.  I know she will go to Heaven and I know she is ready to go.  She is weary and tired of life.  I don’t fear the funeral.  I spoke at my Dad’s funeral and I will also speak at my Mom’s funeral.  What I fear more than anything is BEING ALONE.  For years this fear has preyed on me, following me into my dark moments and even lurking out in the bright sunshine.  It’s a fear so overpowering that for a number of years I was adamant that when Mom went to Heaven, I was going to follow her shortly after.  I was NOT staying on this earth by myself.  It has only been in the past year that I have mustered the courage to commit to staying here on earth till my last breath is chosen by God not myself.

I have struggled to understand this incredible sense that I will be all alone.  My friends annoyingly ask me,” Well, what are they?  Chopped liver??”  Don’t they mean anything in my life.  I am also told I will have my church family.  Yes, I know that full well and am very grateful for the wonderful people in my church and I know I will need them like I have never needed them or any group of people in my life before.  I have my wonderful brother and sister in law and an amazing neice and nephew and other cousins.   But for some reason that escapes me it is not the same as having your mother alive.

Hope Edelman who wrote Motherless Daughters: the Legacy of Loss has this quote which helps me understand a  bit of what I may be going through.  She says, “When one parent dies, the world is dramatically altered, absolutely, but you still have another one left.  When that second parent dies, it’s the loss of all ties, and where does that leave you?  You lose your history, your sense of connection to the past.  You also lose the final buffer between you and death.  Even if you’re an adult, it’s weird to be orphaned.”

For me, my mother has always been a huge part of my life even when the huge part was negative.  For years I struggled with a love/hate relationship with my Mom.  I also struggled with feeling very abandoned by my Mom as her autism ( and my autism) played a role in her parenting of me and my responses that left me feeling very detached from her. She was often very depressed and not emotionally available to me and this left me with a huge hole in my inner most being where I longed for her and the hole ached all the time.  I also longed for her acceptance.  Mom in her lack of understanding how words can hurt has told me ( and others) that she wanted and boy and she got me.  Not a month goes by and I am again reminded of this family fact.   It was only when Mom moved in with me 3 years ago that slowly that hole filled up and now it is basically healed.  It has healed because for the first time in my life she sees me as valuable and acceptable.  She recognizes that without me she is totally lost in this world with noone to look after her. I now have worth.  I hold no grudges and have forgiven her.  Looking after her, God has given me such a love for her that it is overflowing.  I love her with such tenderness I never knew I had in me ( and actually I don’t – it is God in his mercy giving me the gift of service and love for my Mom)  I am forever grateful for the last 3 years because now when she passes I have no regrets.  That is a precious position to be in.

I really feel that when Mom goes I will be totally alone in the world.  It is the fear of all fears.  Mom has always listened to my stories, my news in my life, she has prayed for me every day, she even listens to my endless  passionate chatter about my beloved cats.  Who will do that when she is gone??  Noone that I know.  Only a mother would do that.  But like the quote I mentioned above, there is something much deeper,  a much more profound loss when you lose your last parent.  You are indeed an orphan in the world.

If I am going to remain here after Mom leaves this earth I must find a way to survive and not just survive but to continue to grow and flourish in who I am.  Janet Fitch in White Oleander quotes, ” Loneliness is the human condition.  Cultivate it.  The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness.  Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space.  An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception.  If you expect to find people who will understand you you will grow murderous with disappointment.  The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let cattle stand in your way.”

Did you know that God talks about orphans in the bible?  John 14:18 says, “I will not leave you as orphans.  I will come to you.”   And in Psalms 27:10 it says, “When my father and mother forsake me ( or die) then the Lord will take me up.”  And Heb. 13:5  says, ” I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you.”  These are precious promises that I intend to hold onto with a grip so tight that nothing can take them away from me.    And one last one.  Isaiah 41:10 says, “So do not FEAR, for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.”  I can either choose to accept these promises as the total truth that they are or I can continue to tremble in my fear of being alone.  I know I will feel alone but there is someone bigger than that aloneness that I can take refuge in and find peace.

My job now is to plan for the future without Mom.  And I am doing that.  God is a God who believes our purpose is not wrapped up in another person.  Our purpose is wrapped up in God.  Yes, my purpose now is to look after Mom but that will end and I will have to find new passions and purposes to carry on with.  This blog will be one of those purposes.  My job at the library will be one of those purposes.  My desire to speak and advocate for those with autism will be one of those purposes.  My passions like photography, my greeting card business, my new love of knitting, my books, my desire to write a book, my crazy cats are all ways I will carry on in this world.  But as I carry on with all these things I will carry my mother’s memory in everything I do and think each and every day.  As long as I remember her she will never be far away.

No matter how much planning I do, no matter how much courage I muster up, I know that which I fear will come true.  I will feel alone and feel like I am nothing in this world.  But when you have nothing left but God you have more than enough to start over again.

I read another quote, this one by Ayn Rand who said, “Every loneliness is a pinnacle.  I am not exactly sure what this author meant by these words but I looked up the word pinnacle and one of the words for it is “Peak”  like a mountain peak.  I imagine myself on the day Mom dies as standing on a mountain peak surveying my world. I could jump to my death and follow Mom to Heaven or I could fulfill God’s purposes for me that have not been carried out yet and be an adopted child of God with much to do.  There is still a promised land out there waiting for me, a land with milk and honey and as I stand on the peak of an new dawn and the sun rises I see all the richness I still have to live for.  Yes, there are giants in the land to be conquered but I am confident me and God can make mincemeat out of them one giant at a time.