Remembering Dad

May 20th – a day etched in my brain that won’t be erased like that child’s toy, the Etch- A- Sketch.  May 20th is the day Dad died.  Seven years ago now, but still as if it were yesterday.

May 2nd I wrote a blog entitled ” Anniversary Grief – what’s that?”.  I talked about anticipating the anniversary of Dad dying.  It may be helpful to read that before you finish reading this blog.

Yesterday, my anticipation and grief reaction to the anniversary of Dad’s death was at its worst.  I woke up almost unable to function.  It was an effort to move, to think, to get going with my day.  I cried all through my usual therapy session in the morning.  The world was closing in on me and I felt lost.  I also was having constant flashbacks to the hospital room where Dad lay, his breathing laboured, his face contorted.  It was not pretty, not peaceful like people often say death is.  The flashbacks tormented me and I couldn’t get them to go away.   Along with having flashbacks,  my sensitivity to light, and noise was heightened to almost unbearable levels.  I decided it was one of those days where I would spend most of it curled up in my easy chair covered by a very soft blanket and rock.  I had to cancel my tutoring student which made me feel like I was once again  a failure for not being “normal” and able to handle things.

Mom, too, was having a very difficult day.  I don’t know whether it was her stroke effects that causes her head to hurt, or her congestive heart failure, or heart ache of missing Dad or a combination of all three.  I was really worried about her.  She looked awful.  I began to wonder if I would lose her as well on this anniversary eve.  I stayed home, checking on her every little while.  She did not want to talk, she looked so sad.  I felt helpless.  It was NOT a good day.

I went to bed not knowing if Mom would be alive in the morning.  My brain, working in patterns again, imagined she would follow Dad to Heaven as he had gone 7 years before.  I made sure I kissed her goodnight and said, “I love you”.  I wondered if I was in for a long, difficult, sleepless night.

I knew that on the day Dad died, I would have to run.  I don’t mean going for a jog.  I mean running like the wind to somehow still the anxiety inside me.  So….. I planned on some errands I had to do all over town.  I would roam and wander and get lost in the movement of going, going, going…   My first stop was a garage sale I had seen advertised close to my house.

I awoke to the sun streaming through my window.  It was a beautiful day.  I felt so much better than I had the day before.  Somehow the anticipation is always worse than the actual event for me.  And as I listened with apprehension, I heard sounds coming from Mom’s bedroom.  She was still with me!!  I must admit I did have a bit of mixed feelings about this.  I thought that if Mom had to go sometime, going on the same day as Dad did would somehow appeal to my autistic brain’s need for logic and pattern and practicality.  After all, it would be much less stressful to have one anniversary to commemorate than 2 different ones.  However, that aside, I was very glad to have her still with me.  She, too, was feeling much better.  After attending to all the things I needed to do for Mom I set off for the garage sale.

It was like old times.  Mom and Dad and I used to always spend Saturday morning going to garage sales.  It was our weekly ritual and we all loved it.  Especially Dad and me.  And here we were, I imagined, going to a garage sale together just like old times.  I carried on a conversation with Dad as I walked along.  I told him all about what I was doing in my life, and especially that I was keeping my promise to him and looking after Mom in the best possible way I could.  The garage sale turned out to be amazing and I picked up several treasures.  Dad was truly with me I thought.  On my way to drop off my new things at home,  I saw a sign for ANOTHER garage sale near-by.  Again I talked to Dad as I walked down the streets to this sale.  Again, it was a great sale.  Two great sales??  That was too much to ask for.  I had not been to two great sales in a row in years.  My heart soared.

I headed downtown to do some errands, then took the bus all the way to the other end of town to do some other errands before I finally arrived home in the early afternoon.  The need to roam and wander had ceased and I could finally settle down at home with a cup of tea.

Later in the afternoon, a most curious thing happened.  Actually it was a wondrous thing, a miraculous thing.  Dad loved to garden and especially loved his flowers.  At their old house, he had some beautiful tulips that were red and yellow.  They bloomed about the same time every year and the year Dad died they were in full bloom.  The house had not yet sold so I was able to pick many of them to create bouquets of Dad’s flowers for the funeral.  Those beautiful vibrant red and yellow tulips were somehow a symbol to me of God’s goodness through all the pain.  Well, last fall, I planted a whole mess of bulbs in my little garden at the side of my house – my Dad’s memorial garden I call it.  Many of the flowers were up including some tulips of pink, purple and red.  Today I knew I needed to replace some of the flowers in the bouquets I had been making for Mom from the flowers in the garden.  I went out with my scissors to pick a few and to my amazement there were a number of red and yellow tulips in full bloom!  They were not there yesterday.  I did not even remember buying any red and yellow tulips.  It was like Dad put those tulips there on this very momentous day,  letting me know he was OK and he was watching over me.  It was also an incredible gift from God to know that He too was letting me know I was loved and was not alone in the midst of my pain.  He knew what I needed on this difficult day.  I carefully snipped two of the miracle tulips and brought them in to Mom.  We marveled together of God’s goodness to us.

Well, it’s now 9:45pm, time for bed.  Time to let the grief that has been front and centre to settle back a bit into the inner recesses of my mind.  Do I forget?  NEVER!  Dad is with me every day.  I miss him so much.  But grief is like the ocean.  The tide goes in and out, the waves are big or they are calm.  It’s never the same from day to day but it’s always there, always lapping at my toes.  Dad, thanks for a good day with you.  God, thank you for you faithfulness and your endless love.

A New Revelation

Today I was in conversation with my grief counselor when I had one of those light bulb moments.  One thing I have always felt is that when Mom goes I will not only be alone in the world but I will be LOST.  I have never really understood why I felt that way.  Of course, there are a number of good answers but they didn’t seem to fit my situation.

Today I think I found the key that unlocked the door to this overwhelming feeling of being LOST.

As most people with autism will acknowledge, we just don’t connect very well with people, with our world, with anything if truth be told.  For my whole life I have distinctly felt a disconnect with everything around me.  I go through life as if looking through a glass window not able to reach what is beyond.  I feel most of the time as if I am  in a deep fog.  I struggle to make sense of my surroundings all the time and if it is not a good day my surroundings overwhelm me greatly.  I struggle even to cross the street some days.  I will stand and look at the traffic lights and try to compute what red means or green means.  Sometimes I stand so long the lights change several times.  Other days I have no trouble at all.  Most days I have the feeling that if I just reached out and touched with my one finger a building or other structure around me my whole world  would tumble down like a house of cards.

But today in talking things out,  I suddenly realized that I do connect in one point.  I connect with my Mom.  It has not always been a good connection, in fact very detrimental at times but there is a connection.  I can say that in the last few years our connection is much more positive as lots of healing as happened.   I can’t quite find the words to explain but it is a connection that goes beyond time and space.  It is a deep, spiritual-like connection.  Something binds my Mom and me together – whether our shared autism, or that inexplicable mother-daughter connection people talk about.  I just know that of anything on this earth, my Mom is likely the closest I come to making a connection.  I never felt that way with my Dad yet I loved my Dad passionately and miss him so much.   So when I say I will be LOST when she dies I understand more fully why that will be.  I will lose the only thing/person that attaches me to this earth. Not even my beloved cats make the mark although they come pretty close.  Without her I am like a child’s balloon suddenly let go that bobs off into the sky with no direction, no security, no anchor to earth and at the mercy of the elements like the wind, rain, and electrical wires or tree limbs.

So what do I do with this revelation?  What would you do ?  It is good to know this but I don’t know what to do about it.  If Mom is the only connection I have made and I could lose that connection at any time what am I to do?  Do I live the rest of my life indeed feeling LOST?  I don’t know.  My attempts at making connections with things or people  have failed so far so what chance is there that I am going to have success after she goes with someone or something else?  Am I going to be a balloon forever bobbing around on this earth and goodness know where I would end up.  No wonder I am so petrified of losing Mom.  This is a tough dilemma. The world has just gotten a lot scarier tonight.

I guess I will have to take this one to God.  He is good with tough problems.  He has promised to look after me and I guess I have to just trust in that promise even if that means living in a world unconnected and alone.  God will be my ENOUGH.  One thing about being lost is that it is understood that when something is lost someone is looking for it.  It has value and is worth finding.  I saw on the news yesterday that a young boy accidently lost his cell phone in the garbage at his school.  The father took if upon himself to find that lost phone for his son.  He went to such lengths that he searched through a 50 foot pile of garbage at the garbage and recycling site.  And would you believe that he actually found it??  Jesus talks in the bible that he comes to seek and save the LOST.  I can have assurance that Jesus values me so dearly that he will seek me till I am no longer LOST.  I don’t know what this will look like but I will look forward to that day that I am found.

Now I am going to go and “connect” with my Mom as I get her ready for bed.  My beloved Mama.