Today I was in conversation with my grief counselor when I had one of those light bulb moments. One thing I have always felt is that when Mom goes I will not only be alone in the world but I will be LOST. I have never really understood why I felt that way. Of course, there are a number of good answers but they didn’t seem to fit my situation.
Today I think I found the key that unlocked the door to this overwhelming feeling of being LOST.
As most people with autism will acknowledge, we just don’t connect very well with people, with our world, with anything if truth be told. For my whole life I have distinctly felt a disconnect with everything around me. I go through life as if looking through a glass window not able to reach what is beyond. I feel most of the time as if I am in a deep fog. I struggle to make sense of my surroundings all the time and if it is not a good day my surroundings overwhelm me greatly. I struggle even to cross the street some days. I will stand and look at the traffic lights and try to compute what red means or green means. Sometimes I stand so long the lights change several times. Other days I have no trouble at all. Most days I have the feeling that if I just reached out and touched with my one finger a building or other structure around me my whole world would tumble down like a house of cards.
But today in talking things out, I suddenly realized that I do connect in one point. I connect with my Mom. It has not always been a good connection, in fact very detrimental at times but there is a connection. I can say that in the last few years our connection is much more positive as lots of healing as happened. I can’t quite find the words to explain but it is a connection that goes beyond time and space. It is a deep, spiritual-like connection. Something binds my Mom and me together – whether our shared autism, or that inexplicable mother-daughter connection people talk about. I just know that of anything on this earth, my Mom is likely the closest I come to making a connection. I never felt that way with my Dad yet I loved my Dad passionately and miss him so much. So when I say I will be LOST when she dies I understand more fully why that will be. I will lose the only thing/person that attaches me to this earth. Not even my beloved cats make the mark although they come pretty close. Without her I am like a child’s balloon suddenly let go that bobs off into the sky with no direction, no security, no anchor to earth and at the mercy of the elements like the wind, rain, and electrical wires or tree limbs.
So what do I do with this revelation? What would you do ? It is good to know this but I don’t know what to do about it. If Mom is the only connection I have made and I could lose that connection at any time what am I to do? Do I live the rest of my life indeed feeling LOST? I don’t know. My attempts at making connections with things or people have failed so far so what chance is there that I am going to have success after she goes with someone or something else? Am I going to be a balloon forever bobbing around on this earth and goodness know where I would end up. No wonder I am so petrified of losing Mom. This is a tough dilemma. The world has just gotten a lot scarier tonight.
I guess I will have to take this one to God. He is good with tough problems. He has promised to look after me and I guess I have to just trust in that promise even if that means living in a world unconnected and alone. God will be my ENOUGH. One thing about being lost is that it is understood that when something is lost someone is looking for it. It has value and is worth finding. I saw on the news yesterday that a young boy accidently lost his cell phone in the garbage at his school. The father took if upon himself to find that lost phone for his son. He went to such lengths that he searched through a 50 foot pile of garbage at the garbage and recycling site. And would you believe that he actually found it?? Jesus talks in the bible that he comes to seek and save the LOST. I can have assurance that Jesus values me so dearly that he will seek me till I am no longer LOST. I don’t know what this will look like but I will look forward to that day that I am found.
Now I am going to go and “connect” with my Mom as I get her ready for bed. My beloved Mama.