Missing Mom

In two days it will be Mother’s Day.  I can’t recall in my 60 years of existence on this earth ever missing seeing my Mom on Mother’s Day.  This will be the first.  All because of Covid-19.

Mom is in a lovely nursing home. Before that she lived with me for 5 years.  Before that I saw her every other day at her retirement home. Before that I spent every weekend at Mom and Dad’s house helping them clean, do yard work, and just enjoying their company.  Before that when I was middle aged I used to pack up my cats, my stuff and literally move home every weekend for years.  We would head out every Saturday morning to garage sales and then I would help Dad clean two churches.  Weekends were sacred times.

As you can see, I have been very close to my parents.  They have not only been my parents but my confidants, my source of help for anything and everything, my source of support and strength, my social fill in.   It may have been a bit strange but my parents were my whole world.  Not till years later did I find out that I had autism.  I think this helps explain this strong reliance on my parents.  The world was not a safe place for me.  It was often overwhelming, very challenging, and confusing.  My parents provided a solid, secure base from which I could go out and deal with the world.  My parents especially my Mom and I were soul mates.  We were connected on a level deeper than a normal family.  My parents relied on me too.  I was basically their only social connection with the world as they rarely had interaction with other people.  Mom, as I know now, is quite likely also on the autism spectrum.  She was very much a loner and resident hermit.  I was their life as they were mine.

The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected.  unknown.

Mom and I are deeply connected.  Emotionally entangled like two giant octopuses with all their legs intertwined.  This has not always been a good thing but nontheless that is the way we have functioned as mother and daughter.  We feed off each other emotionally too.  If one of us is upset the other will be upset and vice versa.  We think what each other is thinking before it is said.  And most of all we fear losing each other to a degree that keeps us both in perpetual anxiety.

So…back to Covid -19.  As I said earlier, Mom is in a nursing home.  Her home shut up tight on March 14.  That was 8 weeks ago.  I have not seen Mom in 8 weeks.  I can count on one hand the number of times I have been away from Mom for 8 weeks or longer.  We have always been close by each other.  I can say that in the last 10 years or more I have only been away from Mom for 2 weeks at the most one time only.  Most of the last 10 years I have seen Mom nearly every day.

Mom and I are both in shock.  We miss each other terribly.  I missed seeing her for her 92nd birthday.  I am  missing Mother’s Day.  It’s been 8 weeks of not seeing the face of my dear mother.  How much longer is this going to go on??  And sadly that is a question no one can answer.  These are unusual, strange times.  Nothing is normal anymore.  A lot of things just don’t make sense anymore especially to one with autism. I’ve lost most of the connection with the one person in the world who means the most to me and this is likewise the same for Mom.  She is alone in the nursing home now.  I don’t come to visit every day like I was doing. No two hour visits, no hugs, no watching Lawrence Welk together, no laughing over silly things my Mom does or says.  All gone.

What is the opposite of two?  A lonely me. A lonely you.  unknown

Mom and I are luckier than some.  We have the phone where we can connect each day several times a day.  It’s not the same though but it is better than nothing that’s for sure.  Mom has a hard time managing the phone.  She can’t get the hang of a cell phone so it is often not on her ear properly and she can’t hear or she touches buttons on the phone and things go haywire.  The PSW’s are wonderful in sorting out her phone problems.

But I want to see her!  I want to see her grin and I want to laugh with her.  I want to hug her and sit beside her on the bed.  I want to give her a peck on the cheek and stroke her hair.  I want to hold her hand.  I want to straighten her pillows and tuck her in with her favourite blanket.  I want to be there to gently put her slipper back on when it slips off  I WANT TO SEE HER!

As I stay home during this Covid -19 time I try to do odd jobs around the house or read or knit or snuggle with my cats.  But there are sometimes when I just cry.  I miss her so much it hurts inside me.  I panic sometime when I wonder when this will ever be over.  What if it is never over.  What if I never see my Mom again and she dies in the nursing home alone.  I can’t bear the thoughts of that.  I can’t bear it.

I did three things today – miss you. miss you and miss you.  unknown

There is nothing I can do about this situation.  Nothing.  Mom and I just have to wait and waiting just gets harder every day that passes.  How long?  How long till I see her again??

I miss my Momma.

3 thoughts on “Missing Mom

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s