Vignettes of Grace and Grief

I haven’t posted anything for about 3 weeks – far too long to be out of the loop of writing.  So much has been happening but I am having trouble getting it down in print.  So many nondescript things that don’t catagorize easily and that frustrates me.  Where to start, what to focus on.   So I decided for a while I may resort to just posting like my title says – small vignettes of living with my elderly Mom and the joys and heartbreaks that I encounter.

Vignette #1 – I got to see Mom experience some pure joy as she got to visit with the new twins my cousin’s daughter recently had.  A little boy and a girl.  Cute as buttons in their mickey mouse matching outfits.  You have to understand where my Mom is coming from.  She has had a fixation on twins her whole life.  Her brother and sister,  June and Bob were twins and ever since she has wanted twins of her own.  I was supposed to be twins, my brother was supposed to be twins.  Then when  she had no twins of her own she desperately hoped my brother or me would have twins.  Nope.  No such luck.  Mom’s fixation on twins was always present.  When I bought her books I always found books on twins.  ( or people with amnesia – that was her other fixation).  There has been no other twins in the family on either side till now.  And she is in her glory.  She calls them HER twins and beside her chair she keeps a pile of pictures I ran off of the twins with her when they came to visit.  She LOVES those pictures.  I listen to her lament daily about how she wishes she could have had twins.  Well, us on the autism spectrum all usually have our fixations, our interests.  Twins must be one of Mom’s.  It’s like her wish of a lifetime came true.  The look on her face as she held the twins was of pure joy.  It was very neat to see an 89 year old have her wish come true.  I hope when I am 89 I will still have wishes that come true.

Vignette #2 –  I got a nasty bonk on the head the other day and have been suffering from a concussion.  I have been on brain rest – no TV, no reading, no music, and no ( well, almost no) screen time.  It has been a tough go.  I have had a bad headache all this week and looking at this screen right now is certainly not helping things but I will write a little more.

I never had kids.  I have only really had myself to look after and I don’t do a very good job of that.  I am clumsy and always bruising something, cutting something.  I am terrible in the kitchen always nicking myself with a knife, or burning myself or stepping on the cat dishes and hurting my feet.  I sabotage myself as well.  Always have done this.  I will spoil a good thing happening.  I will be careless in safety issues around the house.  So when I got the concussion ( a huge conch shell fell off my shelf above my bed and hit me on the head – so what was a conch shell doing above my head where it could easily fall on me?  don’t know.  didn’t think about it.)

An accident like this, DOES make me think about things – like as I was sitting in the Emergency room I was terrified that I had done something that would hinder me looking after Mom.  Oh, yes, MOM!  She’s attached at the hip now.  I am responsible for her 24/7.  There’s no one else to do it.  Really makes you stop and think.  Makes you realize you have to be a responsible adult, one who takes care of themself so that they can take care of others.  New revelation!  I can’t be stupid, or selfish in my actions.  All my actions have a direct link back to Mom.  I am not my own person.  I’ve done a lot of thinking about this and am attempting to mend my ways.  I NEED to be safe for my Mom’s sake.  I guess I always knew this in the back of my consciousness but a direct hit to the head like I had literally brought the severity of this to the forefront of my life.

OK, I have to sign off now.  Headache is getting worse.  Will write some more vignettes very soon.  No more 3 weeks in between posts.

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