A couple of days ago I went to one of my favourite places to shop – Value Village. For anyone who is not familiar with this store it is a second hand store selling everything under the sun. It is a mecca for treasure hunters and a big part of the fun of going is in the hunt itself. To find that elusive item that you just never thought you would ever find, or that unique item that winks at you and begs you to take it home with you. Well, I was looking at the jewelry when I spotted a silver bracelet. I love silver jewelry and as I looked closer at it through the glass counter I saw the words ” Kate Spade New York”. I love Kate Spade things but I can’t afford them so I just drool when I look at items in a store. Here was my chance to have a real Kate Spade item and for the super price of 7.99 ( and I had a 30% off coupon). Can’t get any better than that. When I got it home and took a closer look, I realized it had a saying inside the rim. It said “in a twinkling”. How interesting I thought considering what I have been going through.
All my anxiety, grief, worry, heartache that I am experiencing daily these days is all wrapped up in that little saying, “in a twinkling”. When Mom takes her last breath on this earth, in a twinkling she will be whisked off to Heaven and in that same twinkling, my life here on earth will change forever. It’s hard to believe that a mere moment in time can change everything!
I wonder every day what it will be like without Mom. I also wonder how I will handle Mom passing. Will I fall apart? Will I act as if nothing happened and just stuff everything inside and move forward with my life? Will it be a bit of both? Will I react right away or will it be days, weeks, months later? I’ve read some research on autism and grief that states that we often have a delayed reaction to our grief. Will that be me?
A number of years ago, I had a very special childhood friend who I called my Aunt Agnes. She was not my real aunt but a distant relative just the same. I loved her to bits and loved to visit her. When she died I was living hundreds of miles away and I invented an elaborate scenario in my mind of how she was not dead. I believed this with all my heart for several years till I ended up in the hospital for depression and suddenly and unexpectantly it all spilled out. I cried for days and days. Am I going to do something like this with Mom?
I also have a habit of closing myself off when I am upset. I don’t answer the phone, I lock the front door and basically retreat into my own world. This is my greatest fear of what might happen when Mom dies. I told my Doctor the other day to please, please not let me do this if it happens. She said that for me it may be alright for it to happen for a little while but she would be there to help me reconnect with the world if I couldn’t. It scares me.
I also worry if I will be able to do all the things that need to be done for the funeral etc. When my Dad died my Mom was there to help me but I won’t have her this time round. I am determined to speak at her funeral just like I spoke at Dad’s. Will I be able to get something together to say? Something that is honouring and loving and will bring a sense of legacy and meaning to Mom’s life?
How can a moment in time be so scary? That “in a twinkling” is the stuff of nightmares for me. But I guess I have to think that for Mom that “in a twinkling” will be the stuff her happiest dreams. “In a twinkling”, she will no longer be in a body that does not do what she wants it to do, she will be free to walk without weaving and stumbling from the effects of the stroke. She will have no more headaches and she will have her “new” head she always tells me she wants. She won’t be an “old lady” that she despises being so much. Best of all, she will be again with Dad and all the other members of her family that loved the Lord.
But “in a twinkling” I will be left alone here on this earth. And I dread that moment with every part of me.
So back to the bracelet… I am wearing it. I am going to continue to wear it. It is a daily reminder of what is to come but it is also a daily reminder of another “in a twinkling”. One later, sometime down the road when I too, will in a twinkling, go to be with Jesus and I will see Mom and Dad once again. This bracelet can be a symbol of hope if I choose it to be. It’s all how you look at it. Momentary pain for eternal gain. And what I do after that “in a twinkling” that whisks Mom away from me will determine what the time between those 2 twinklings is going to be like. I want to continue to live my life to the fullest. I want to try new things. I want Mom to be proud of me in how I handled myself. I want God to be glorified in my life that I have left. I want to help people. This girl has plans…..lots of plans….. that will be for another blog!
A Grieving Autistic Adult 