Speaking for Autism

Today I spoke at a teacher conference on autism at my local school board where I had worked.  I told my story of living with autism.  I felt very honoured to have been asked.  It was so nice to see familiar faces of teachers and educational staff I had worked with.  I realized how much I miss being back in the school system.  I also realized how much  I missed speaking.  I had been doing more speaking before I retired but none since.  I love speaking.  I must say though that although I do not get very anxious beforehand I have a wicked time afterwards.  But I figure that’s just par for the course.  I just took it easy tonight and spent lots of time with Mom since I had been away most of the day.  I worried about her as usual when I am away.  I worried about what I might find when I came home.  I did have a respite person in for the afternoon so I could relax a bit then but I kept my phone around my neck all day.  Mom has been having more shortness of breath lately and she seems quieter, more in contemplation.  That worries me too.  I worry that if I forget to say “I love you” before she goes to bed she may die in the night and I wouldn’t have said it to her.  I guess I worry alot about her.   Tonight she was commenting on her birthday balloon which is still floating in her sitting room.  She said it might be her last birthday.  What do you say to that?  I said yes, it might be but then it could be my last day on this earth too.  None of us knows when our last breath will come.  This is heavy stuff and it makes my heart heavy, and my shoulders heavy like the weight of the world is on them.  The weight is unbearable sometimes.  I feel I will crumble.  But you gotta keep going.  So I joked with Mom tonight.  Tomorrow there are no buses with it being Good Friday so I will be home all day.  I asked Mom what she wanted to do.  I suggested roller blading or square dancing.  That got a laugh.  And so life goes on…

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